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It’s Been a Privilege

There is one word that has been batted around lately that I would like to see being used less.  That word is “privilege.”

white-privilegeActually, what I want to see used less is a more specific application of privilege.  It has been used in issues dealing with race to talk about the invisible ways that whites tend to be privileged because of their race.  It is important to talk about privilege and devise ways to lessen it in our lives.

But lately, I’ve started to see people abuse the word.  Instead of talking about privilege as a way to help us become a more authentically diverse society, the word is being used to attack anything that people don’t like when it is told by the “oppressor” meaning mostly white males.

As I’ve said, privilege is something that happens in race relations, issues involving gender and other areas.  We all have an inherent bias, something that needs to be addressed and corrected.  As Christians we should be able to do that lovingly.  The person showing privilege is most of the time not an evil or hateful person, they just need to be made aware of their bias.

But more and more, the use of the word has become a weapon to shut people up.  Instead of restoring a fellow child of God, it is used to shame them. It is being used in ways that divide more than heal.

A fellow pastor recently told me that he couldn’t speak on a topic because he would be criticized as being privileged.  So, this man could not share his viewpoint because he would be dismissed as an unenlightened white male.

The problem with attacking others as privilege is that it also exposes the arrogance of the one calling others privilege.  They see themselves as having made it.  They are enlightened.  They love everybody (except Republicans and evangelicals).  They don’t see that they too are flawed, that they might have biases of their own.  They are so busy shaming those with specks of wood in their eyes to ignore the tree in their own eyes.

As I’ve said, I think privilege is real.  But I think as Christians we have to use it to help us as a church and a world, not as a way to dismiss or disrespect others.  If you don’t like someone, fine, just don’t hide behind the rhetoric of privilege.

Yet More Thoughts on “Hate the Sin…”

love-covers_by-robg

My post last night bothered me a bit, partially because I don’t think I did a good job of explaining myself.  Chalk it up to lateness of the hour and dealing with a cat that was trying to use my laptop as warming pad.  So, I wanted to offer another post to share some thought on “Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner” and why there is a good reason to chuck it  and a good reason to keep it.

On using it selectively Most people who object to the phrasing say it is used for only certain sins (ie: sexual sins).  Other sins never have anyone saying this out loud.  If people use this phrase to condemn a sexual minority, but never say it with other sins, that’s a telltale sign of hypocrisy and should be called out for it.  Either it is used all the time or not used at all.

Words and actions As I said last night, my own mother has lived an ethic of loving the sinner.  Here it is used out of love for the wayward soul.  Pointing out someone’s sin is something that needs to be done from time to time, but it has to come from a place of love, not condescension.

What Ever Happened to Sin- The big reason that I am always a bit wary of chucking the phrase is because we in American society don’t really want to talk about sin.  We don’t want to talk about the sin of others and most certainly don’t want to talk about our own sin.  Most of the time when preachers talk against this phrase, there is no caveat about dealing with sin.  We live in a culture that wants to feel good about themselves and others- they see religion more often than not as too judgemental.  I agree that this is a problem.  But there is still the matter of sin.  How do we be truly honest with each other and not use words to condemn?  Sin happens; how do we talk about it without being judgemental jerk?

About 15 years ago, I met a gay man in his 50s.  I knew he had a boyfriend what I didn’t know is that he had another boyfriend as well.  It was a threesome. This was new territory for me.  I didn’t want to appear judgemental, so  I said nothing to the man.  I don’t know if that was the right thing, but it’s what I did.  A few years later, the gentleman left to accept a job working for a religious organization in California.  I found out that he lost his job for issues related to the threesome.  His position was one that took place in the public and for that charity it was just too much to deal with.

Should I have said something earlier?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that for most of us in mainline/progressive churches we would rather not deal with sexual issues.  Like many liberals, we want to believe all things are possible as long as there is consent.  But aren’t Christians supposed to aim a bit higher?

Love Is All You Need- If you look at the image on top, you can see that the last panel has someone saying “love covers a multitude of sins.

There is something unsettling about that.  Is that to mean that we should just ignore whatever sin is going on?  Did Jesus really ignore sin when he was on earth?  Did he only focus on the Pharisees, but everyone else was okay?

Growing up I did have a more strict upbringing that I ran from..kind of.  I don’t want to head back to it, but isn’t just saying love is all we need nothing more than cheap grace?  Does our faith require us to be better people?

So yes, criticize how people use that phrase.  But if that is all we talk about, then we are sending the wrong message to people in the pews.  I want to close with what I said in 2012:

Is there a way we can hold each other accountable and yet not be judgmental and condescending?  I’d like to think so, but how do we practice that?  Christian Piatt is correct to bring up that Jesus told folks not to worry about the splinter in our neighbor’s eyes and ignore the plank in our own.  But does that mean we never to talk about what might be going on in another person’s life?  What did Jesus mean when he said this?  When is it right to “butt in” and when is it right to stay out?

Can we use this phrase in a way that doesn’t beat LGBT Christians like myself?

More Thoughts on “Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner”

A recent online conversation has led me back to the old debate about the phrase “hate the sin, love the sinner.”* As I said back in 2012, I’ve never had the reaction that other mainline/progressive Christians seem to have about it. Blogger Ben Godsen shares why he feels we need to kick this phrase to the curb:

See here’s the thing, you can’t “love a sinner” without getting to know the person. But you can hate the sin without ever knowing the person. So if we don’t really know a person but we do think you know about their sin, then we’re just trying to find a “bless their heart” way of saying we don’t approve of whatever it is we think their sin is. That way the real guilt remains on the other person and not on our judgmental view of that person. It’s a phrase that gives us the right to declare what’s right and wrong with the world without ever having to invest in the lives of another person and especially a person who might be different from us. It’s a phrase that gives us permission to guard ourselves against encountering the grace and humanity in others and thus preserving our own sense of superiority.

I’ve been wondering why I don’t have as much a problem with the phrase that others seem to have.  As I mulled it over, I came to a conclusion: I saw this practice lived out in the life of my mother.

Mom has always been someone that seems to balance sin and grace in a way few do.  I remember Mom talking about her two younger brothers who at the time were living with women without being married.  She thought that was sinful, but she never stopped loving them.  She never stopped helping them out when they needed help.  Contrary to the belief of some that this phrase is used to express moral superiority, Mom never saw herself as better than her brothers.  She had her belief that what they were doing was in her eyes sinful but it didn’t keep her from loving her brothers. Love, not counting sin was what mattered.

Mom showed this same love of sinners and hating sin in other occasions.  Mom used to see homosexuality as sinful, but that would never stop her from caring for people no matter who they were.

This new conversation has me thinking more about sin in American society, namely how much we don’t talk about it.  A lot of the discussion around “hate the sin…” is focused on telling people to focus on their own sin and not the sins of others. That makes sense to a point, but here’s the thing: we don’t really focus on our own sin. We really don’t want to focus on our sin, let alone the sins of others. How many churches really do confession and forgiveness on Sunday mornings?

Maybe that’s what bothers me about some of the criticism; it doesn’t talk about sin in our own lives and the lives of others in our communities. The alternative vision offered seems to look like cheap grace more than anything else. I might be wrong, but it feels that way.

I’m not advocating that we start acting like Puritans and placing Scarlet Letters on people. I don’t doubt that there are people who want to offer backhanded comments that put down people instead of lifting them up. But I wish that when we think about this phrase, that we be more thoughtful about how it is used.

*The funny thing about “hate the sin…” is that I’ve never, ever heard anyone utter those words. It doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, just that I’ve never heard it in my own life.

Reverend Loser

Loser_by_mysticalphaEvery so often, more often than I’d like to admit, I get this feeling that I am a failure- especially when it comes to this pastor thing.

I’ve been at my church for a little over a year.  I think I’ve done a lot to help the congregation and to encourage them.  I think this church is at a different place than it was last year.  And yet, there is the feeling that I am not doing a good job, not good enough.

Part of this is dealing with some issues that took place in my life a few years ago that I am still trying to get past.  But mostly, I feel like I haven’t done enough to attract new members.

I’m probably not alone in thinking this way.  A lot of us do various things to help increase the visibility of our congregations.  We engage in social media.  We improve the church website.  We host community events.  And the result is…not many people darken our doors.

For me especially, it’s been frustrating.  I’ve been trying to establish relationships with those who left the church just before I came.  I’ve written, called and done everything short of showing up at their doorstep (and no, I am not trying that).  I may have to just give up trying to extend a hand to them.  I know that I’ve done the best I could, but I know that there is that voice somewhere that says I’m not good enough.    If I were better, I would have made contact with them and woo them back to the church.

Then there is this feeling that I’m not reaching out to the community.  If I were more outgoing, then maybe things would be better.  Maybe if I didn’t have Aspergers, I would be better able to communicate with others and then there would be more members.  I would be like that other pastor who can announce an event and 50 people show up.

All of this is nonsense to some extent.  Some of the problems facing First Christian started before I came there. Some things are the result of changes in culture.  But when few people show up to an event, or when few visitors show up to worship the questions always come flooding back.

If you want to know why so many pastors end up leaving the ministry, it’s because we tend to think that the success or failure of a church is all on us.  Pastors end up shouldering a lot of responsibility on themselves.

In the end, I have to accept some grace.  I am not all that.  All I can do is be faithful.  I try to do a good job, try to encourage the congregation, but in the end it is all on God.  It’s God that I have to trust in, but that’s hard.  I think we pastors are taught or at least we think, that we have to be demigods. I think God has to sometimes hit pastors upside the head and say to them “there is only one God baby, and you are not it.”

First-St. Paul might grow numerically and it might not. I am hoping for the former and that has been my prayer.  But in the end, it is up to God.  My job is to preach God’s hope to the people and hope they will see God at work in the world.

I just need to tell myself this over and over.

Sermon: “Better Living Through Grace”

Another sermon for this coming Sunday preached in 2005.

Matthew 13:1-9,18-23, Romans 8:1-11, Isaiah 55:1-5,10-13
July 10, 2005
Community of Grace Christian Church
St. Paul, MN
 

 

dupontWhen I was growing up in Michigan, I would always see these commercials on TV that made no sense to me. As most of you know, my hometown in Flint, Michigan, a small city known for its many auto plants. Flint is smack dab in the middle of two important parts of the state. To our south is the Detroit Metro Area, and we get a lot of the Detroit stations as well as the TV station from nearby Windsor, Ontario. To our north, are three small cities known as the Tri Cities and the agricultural region of the state. Flint also picked up those stations as well. It was during a certain time of the year, when I was watching some program on that particular station, that I would see it: an ad for Roundup.

 

I had no idea what this was. What did they mean that this product would give better yields? What was quackgrass?

 

For those of you who come from rural areas, you know that Roundup is a herbicide that farmers use to keep weeds from damaging their crops. But to a city kid like me, this meant nothing. For farmers, this was important, since a bad weed or a bug, could wipe out their crop and hence their income for the year.

 

Today’s Gospel text is a parable. Through the Gospels, the name we give for the first four books of the New Testament, we see Jesus using stories of everyday people doing everyday things as a clue to what God’s kingdom is about. Too often, though we tend to look at these parables, if not the entire Bible as a book of morals, a guide to show us how to live. Some people use the Bible in this way to lash out against those who don’t follow what they think is a moral way. Others see the Bible as a way to gain wisdom and to lead a good life. However, both assumptions are wrong. The Bible is not here to tell us how to live. Instead, it tells us about who God is, and what God’s kingdom is all about. If we become godly people because of this, great, but that isn’t the main point of the Bible.

 

Today’s gospel text is about a sower who throws his seed hither and yon, landing on different types of soil. We then see how the soil takes to the seed. There are some good results and some bad results. Now when I was younger, I remember how the pastor or teacher would focus on all the different soils. We would spend time figuring out how the different soils related to the spiritual temperment of the different people. Some people worried to much, some didn’t take the good news seriously and some were good adherents of the Word. The message here was that we needed to be good soil and work on not being bad soil to God’s word. For some reason, I can remember how I felt when we talked about this passage. There was a sense of dread. I mean, how could I ever be good soil? There was no way that I could be that perfect. I’m going to be honest with you: I didn’t want to even preach from this text today for the same reason.

 

Then I started to think about something. This is called the parable of the Sower, but we never really talk about this sower, who is God. We talk about us, but God gets the short shrift. Has anyone wondered just how incredibly wasteful a sower God is? I mean he is just throwing seeds everywhere, without any regards as to whether the seed grows or not. I know there are a lot of gardeners among us this evening and I know many of you would never, never do this. I mean, if we saw someone throwing seeds everywhere, on the lawn, on the sidewalk, on the parking lot, we would wonder about the wisdom of this person. And yet that is what God does. For those of you who come from farmer backgrounds, you know that seed is precious. A farmer takes care of their crops so that they can have a plentiful harvest. The farmer in this story was probably considered a poor, tenant farmer who has to have a good return to feed his family. Now with all this substandard farming practice, throwing seeds wherever they may go, you would probably think that this farmer would get a poor return.

 

You would be wrong.

 

The seeds that did fall on good soil produced a harvest beyond anyone’s expectations.

 

So what was Jesus getting at here? Well, it’s that God’s love is extravagant. It seems wasteful to some, showing love to those who might not love back. It seems even dangerous to others, showing love to those who are different or who are our enemies. Why would God waste God’s time on such people?

 

That is the message here. We all receive God’s love, no matter if we are deserving or not. Yes, some will ignore God’s love. But that’s not the issue; what’s important is that God gives love to everyone.

 

This message of extravagant abundance is out of place for us because we live in a world defined by scarcity. If you’ve filled up for gas recently, then you have some idea of what I’m talking about. If you are like me, then you’ve probably set up an IRA and/or 401k to prepare for retirement, again, because money is scarce and because Social Security can’t fund all of our golden years.

 

We live in a world where resources are scarce. That’s a reality. What is sad is that we allow this valid principle to seep into our faith. Love becomes conditional and limited. Followers of Christ decide who is worthy of God’s love and who is not. We open our churches to those who are acceptable and close it to those who are not. Better to now waste our precious seed on “bad soil.”

 

But while scarcity is an important part of the science of Economics, it has no place in faith. God’s love is abundant and is freely given to all-good and bad. In Isaiah 55, we are given a clue to God’s abundance when the prophet proclaims that all who are hungry and all who are thirsty can come to God. Don’t worry about money; because God will take care of you.

 

My prior understanding of this text was one where I had to do all the work. Be a “good Christian” and the seed planted within will grow. That is a gospel of works, of trying to do good things so that God will like you. The thing is, none of us will always be good soil. We are human; we sin. We are tempted by the things of the world. We worry about the future. There are always “weeds” that will interfere with our seeds.

 

But if this parable is about God, then it doesn’t matter as much about my condition. Through the good times and bad, God’s love is always present. In times when I’m a wonderful garden and in times when I’m a weed infested backlot, God always love me.

 

And that is how God’s people should be. Let us go out and love the world regardless of how good or bad people are. Let us throw open our churches and our hearts to people.

 

Years ago, the chemical manufactuer Dupont, used to have a slogan that went “Better Living Through Chemistry.” I propose that as followers of Christ, we enter a life of “Better Living Through Grace.”   God’s grace is abundant, and we need to enter into that reality-one where scarcity doesn’t exist. Amen.

I’m Autistic. I Need a lot of Grace.

grace candlesOne of the things that I have learned since my diagnosis of Aspergers is my willingness to be more forgiving of people’s mistakes.  I’m not always good at that, but I try.  I try because all I have to do is look at my own life and realize that I will make a ton of mistakes and I need grace.

The worklife of someone with Aspergers, is always going to be chaotic.  Looking back at my work history, I can see that a lot of the problems I have, the ones that were summed up with people thinking I’m incompetent or worse is because of how my brain in wired.  No matter how hard I try (and I do try) I will always, always fall short.  This isn’t an excuse for mediocrity; it’s just an admission that I will frustrate others no matter how hard I try.

The social life of someone with Aspergers isn’t any better.  It’s hard to make friends and even harder to find someone to date.  Somehow I ended up with a husband and friends, but I have had to work hard at being a good friend and husband (at least in the neurotypical sense).  I have to learn what comes naturally to others.  During my time in Orlando for the General Assembly of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) I forced myself to be social. It was worthwhile, but I have to admit that at the end of the day, I had to go to my hotel room to “calm myself down.”

Actually, being a pastor is a “the worse of both worlds” for an aspie.  We have to deal with the whole job thing and at the same time learn to be social with others.  I’ve learned to do both, but I’m never going to be perfect, not like my “normal” colleagues.

It was nice to read today a blog post by a woman who used Autism Awareness month to remind people to be little more patient with the parents of autistic children:

Children with Asperger’s can seem like a typical child, until you are around them closely for awhile, then you will notice the behaviors that are “quirky” or “inappropriate” (not in a bad way, just in an uncomfortable way).

Communication skills are on par or even above, so these kiddos/adults are verbal, often very much so.  They just lack the filter for what is appropriate to be verbal about and lack the self control skills to stop themselves, which falls in the social and behavior category.

Behavior often seems obsessive to others or repetitive in an unusual way.  Their behavior often shows a  lack empathy for others.

Social interaction is often completely inappropriate or awkward.  There is usually an inability to read a situation or even nonverbal clues from others.

I am not attempting to fully describe Asperger’s.  Here is a test/checklist for Asperger’s that may help you see some more characteristics. 

Naturally, these vary in degree for each person with Asperger’s.

Of course, with training, they can develop and improve these skills, but they will always a struggle in some way.

Usually, these behaviors are ones that “should” have been mastered at a younger age, so what mommies do is jump to the poor parenting card.

They may not flash the card, but they’ll wave it in their heart.  They’ll possibly show it on their face.  Or talk about it to other mommies.

And one mommy is suddenly judged. And found lacking.

I’m that autistic kid thirty years later.  I’m the guy that looks rather normal, but then starts doing or not doing something that annoys co-workers.  I’m the guy that is now branded as a less than stellar worker with bad skills- the older version of blaming the parents.

As the blockquote notes, I have tried to develop and improve my social and communication skills and I think there have been some successes.  But none of that means that I will “get over it.”  I will always struggle in some way.

Which is why I find grace so attractive.  You see, grace isn’t some abstract theological concept.  No, it’s very real and I for one desparatlely need it.  I need it every day that I get out of bed, because at some point I will do something that will more than likely piss someone off.  The idea that I’m loved and accepted by God inspite of my faults is just amazing.

So that kid that is acting out with his mother trying to calm him down?  Well, he grows up to become me.  Autistic people need grace.  Actually, everyone needs grace, but someone that’s autistic is more aware of it because we screw up so often.

That the thing; I can’t hide the fact that I’m not perfect.  It’s right there in front of God and everyone.  All I have to do is breathe and I end up making some stupid  mistake.

So I need grace.  A lot of it.  I need to go to Costco and get grace in bulk.

It wasn’t til seminary that I really understood grace.  Lutherans are good at talking about grace.  But ten years later when I was diagnosed I realized how much I needed it.

If there’s anything good that comes from being autistic, it’s that I am aware of God’s grace.  I know I need it.  I want to see it in others and I want to be more graceful to others.

We all need this grace.  So I say to everyone out there; let’s try to be more graceful to each other.  Because that person next to you isn’t perfect…and neither are you.

T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.

Note: I should state that my current employers have been understanding of my diagnosis and all the baggage that comes with it. 

Repost: Autism and Grace

from 2012.

Rod Dreher who has a son who is also autistic, wrote a post called the “Gift of Autism,” and he said he wrote that title with some trepidation.

As someone who is autistic, I can understand that. I know the common thing among those of us who are autistic is to talk about how wonderful being autistic can be and how we are just different and all. I get that and understand it to a point.

That said, autism can also be a pain in the ass.

It’s not easy being around someone who is autistic. It’s not easy for the person, for their loved ones or their co-workers. It can be a chore.

For me, this means that I make a lot more mistakes in my daily life than those that aren’t autistic. And I have to spend a lot more time trying to rectify those mistakes. The worse thing about it? Most of the time I don’t know that I’m pissing people off by not doing something or not asking something. I come off as an uncaring ass even when I don’t mean to be.

But being autistic has made me more aware of the need for grace, the need to learn to love others even as they make mistakes. I’m not always good at being patient, though reminding myself how I can be makes me remember that I need a lot of grace from others and so do those others.

Being a person with autism means you are going to make mistakes. There is no way around that. I can’t pretend I have my crap together because I don’t. It’s all out there. I can’t hide.

As humans, we pretend that we do have it all together. Grace is supposed to remind us that we aren’t all that and a bag of chips. But we find ways of hiding, of telling ourselves how great we are and basically telling ourselves and each other we don’t need God.

And yet, God loves us. God gives us a second chance. Just like so many friends, employers and loved ones give me a second chance. It’s a chance to try again, to know that you are loved for who you are, but also loved with a love that makes you want to get right and be better, not so that you can be loved, but because you are loved.

So, yeah, autism can be a gift- not in the sense that it’s wonderful, but in the sense of letting me know that I am human after all.

And I am still loved by God.

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