Out of Place

lonely childWhen I was in high school, I ran track.  I didn’t run well, but I did run track.  Practice would take place after school.  I remember heading into the locker room to change, and passing by this front room set aside for physical therapy.  Every time I passed by there were people my age chatting and having a good time.

One day, I decided I was going to join in.  I came in after practice and walked into the room.  Unlike other days, the room was mostly empty save for one student who was being attended to by a teacher.  I walked in and sat down hoping to engage in some conversation.  The teacher stopped what he was doing and looked at me.  “What are you doing here?” he said.  I gave him a confused look and started to think I had made the wrong decision.  He pointed to the door and ordered me to leave.  I walked out feeling ashamed that I had even bothered to come in.

I share this story because it serves as an example of the ups and downs of one person with Aspergers trying to be social.  Looking back, I probably should have known that social situations change.  But in my mind, everything repeats.  If there were people goofing off one day, then they would be there everyday.  Obviously there were time it was okay to be in the room and times this wasn’t possible.  But that nuance was lost on me.

Relationships for someone with Aspergers is like walking into a room that’s pitch black.  You can’t see anything.  The darkness is scary and you feel very alone.  The result is that you are always scared, scared that something in the darkness is coming after you.

This all makes it hard to simply be.  You are constantly worried you are going to say something stupid and when you do, all hell breaks loose.  So, you withdraw feeling more alone and isolated.

It’s not just that you don’t know how to act with potential friends, it’s also that you don’t know how to act with fellow co-workers.  A conversation that I intended to be helpful was interpreted as being hostile.  I nearly lost my position because of it.

And let’s not even talk about romantic relationships.

In many ways, I’m still that 16 year old boy trying to figure out human relationships and failing miserably.  It’s trial and error, finding out what works and what doesn’t.

The thing is, after being rapped on the nose more than once you start to become risk averse. You feel like  a trapped animal with eyes darting about; seeing others as a potential threat or potential friend.

Blogger and fellow aspie Penelope Trunk has said that people with Aspergers don’t have friends and don’t have the emotional need for friends.  I tend to disagree with this.  I want to have friends, especially close ones, I just don’t know how to start a friendship let alone maintain it.

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