Reverend Loser

Loser_by_mysticalphaEvery so often, more often than I’d like to admit, I get this feeling that I am a failure- especially when it comes to this pastor thing.

I’ve been at my church for a little over a year.  I think I’ve done a lot to help the congregation and to encourage them.  I think this church is at a different place than it was last year.  And yet, there is the feeling that I am not doing a good job, not good enough.

Part of this is dealing with some issues that took place in my life a few years ago that I am still trying to get past.  But mostly, I feel like I haven’t done enough to attract new members.

I’m probably not alone in thinking this way.  A lot of us do various things to help increase the visibility of our congregations.  We engage in social media.  We improve the church website.  We host community events.  And the result is…not many people darken our doors.

For me especially, it’s been frustrating.  I’ve been trying to establish relationships with those who left the church just before I came.  I’ve written, called and done everything short of showing up at their doorstep (and no, I am not trying that).  I may have to just give up trying to extend a hand to them.  I know that I’ve done the best I could, but I know that there is that voice somewhere that says I’m not good enough.    If I were better, I would have made contact with them and woo them back to the church.

Then there is this feeling that I’m not reaching out to the community.  If I were more outgoing, then maybe things would be better.  Maybe if I didn’t have Aspergers, I would be better able to communicate with others and then there would be more members.  I would be like that other pastor who can announce an event and 50 people show up.

All of this is nonsense to some extent.  Some of the problems facing First Christian started before I came there. Some things are the result of changes in culture.  But when few people show up to an event, or when few visitors show up to worship the questions always come flooding back.

If you want to know why so many pastors end up leaving the ministry, it’s because we tend to think that the success or failure of a church is all on us.  Pastors end up shouldering a lot of responsibility on themselves.

In the end, I have to accept some grace.  I am not all that.  All I can do is be faithful.  I try to do a good job, try to encourage the congregation, but in the end it is all on God.  It’s God that I have to trust in, but that’s hard.  I think we pastors are taught or at least we think, that we have to be demigods. I think God has to sometimes hit pastors upside the head and say to them “there is only one God baby, and you are not it.”

First-St. Paul might grow numerically and it might not. I am hoping for the former and that has been my prayer.  But in the end, it is up to God.  My job is to preach God’s hope to the people and hope they will see God at work in the world.

I just need to tell myself this over and over.

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2 thoughts on “Reverend Loser

  1. Don’t allow the doubt to gain a foothold; listen instead to voice of grace. Thank you for extending your ministry online where we can all read, pray and reflect.

  2. One’s value is not measured by statistics or numbers but by the giving and caring you have done for those who are there. I too wish I could bring in more people, but my prayer to God is not for more but for thanks for what he’s given me, you are part of that. Know you have made a difference in my life and I thank god for bringing you and I thank you for staying and leading us on our journey.

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